I am inspired by our president in his efforts to add his name to things, and to rename geographical areas after this great country that he rules. Thus, the Gulf of Mexico and Lake Ontario become the Gulf of America and Lake America.
Since I plan to run for president in 2028, I am beginning to think of how I will get my name on things that I desire. So:
The Gulf of America becomes the Gulf of Roy
Lake America becomes Lake Roy
Greenland becomes Royland
The Tampa Bay Rays become the Tampa Bay Roys
Tombolo Books becomes Roybolo Books
The Don CeSar Hotel becomes the Roy CeSar
The Vinoy Hotel becomes the VinRoy
The British Royal Family becomes the British Roy Family
Coney Island Hot Dog becomes the Coney Island Roy Dog
A certain candy becomes Almond Roy
A certain holiday song becomes “Roy to the World”
A kid’s round becomes “Roy, Roy, Roy your boat….”
Ted Lasso changes his name to Roy Lasso
The Beatles now comprise John, Paul, Roy, and Ringo
The Evangelists are now Matthew, Mark, Luke, and Roy
The Beatle’s song “Boys” will be retitled “Roys”
My birthplace New York City becomes New Roy City
Shakespeare’s famous play is now Roymeo and Juliet
Adventure dog Rin Tin Tin now answers to Roy Tin Tin
The fan chant Rah Rah Sis Boom Bah is Roy Roy etc.
An embarrassing medical condition will now be spelled HemoRoyds
A famous honor is now the Roylitzer Prize
St. Pete will become St. Roy Pete
The great St. Pete novelist Lori Roy will write under the pen name Roy Roy
My campaign slogan will be MARA: Make America Roy Again
Oh, one more thing. In the summer of 1969, I worked in a mail room in Rockefeller Center on Fifth Avenue in New York City. Across the street is St. Patrick Cathedral, and I would never think of changing that name. But as you walk up the street toward Central Park, you will pass a now famous tower. Methinks it needs a new name. How does the Roy Tower sound to you?
OK, readers, it’s your chance to slap your name on one place in the whole wide world. What would it be? But no mail-in ballots please. rclark@poynter.org
Roy Peter Clark is a contributing writer for the Tampa Bay Times and a senior scholar at the Poynter Institute. He can be reached at rclark@poynter.org.